


Dié Blaue Blume

by kissyledss



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Buck has an Eating Disorder, Buck's name is a Trigger, Eating Disorders, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, He doesn't even know, Hurt Evan Buckley, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Theo is Jonathan Groff, sorry;), this shit it's going to hurt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-30
Updated: 2019-11-03
Packaged: 2021-01-13 00:10:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,214
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21234881
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kissyledss/pseuds/kissyledss
Summary: Buck is fine. He gets up every day after the accident with his leg, makes his bed, showers, clean his apartment, prepares himself to see Christopher, makes pancakes for breakfast and everything is fine although Chris's arms already surround his torso completely, although his hair starts to fall out when he showers, although his skin is so dry that it hurts and his muscles ache and he feels so weak for the smallest thing. Everything is fine because Buck has already had the same symptoms as a child.





	1. Sixteen years of misery

**Author's Note:**

> *Dié Blaue Blume it’s from Germany and it means Flor Azul in Spanish (Blue Flower in English).  
*Buck's name is a Trigger. (Evan)  
*Maddie's name is a Trigger. (Kendall)  
*Buck's birthmark it's actually a scar from the abuse. 
> 
> *I don't know a lot about this Eating Disorder in specific, I'm speaking (writing lol) from my personal experience with Eating Disorders NOT in my childhood to be clear but in most of my teenage years. Thank you and I'm sorry if this is triggering someone, that's not my goal here also I'm NOT encouraging anyone to try this awful pat of Eating Disorders. 
> 
> Please forgive any mistake as English it's not my first language. Thank you guys!

EVAN POV

_Fear, pain and hunger_. Those are three problems that Evan has lived with since he can remember. 

_Fear_ because Kendall was going to get home from work to see the new bruises on his face. Bruises that he deserved for being a human error, according to his father and Evan _believed_ him. _Pain_ because his father, Dromero Buckley, had beaten him until his knuckles opened and the bone could be seen. And _hungry_ because it had been three days since his stomach was _empty. _Evan couldn't remember any moment in his life when he did not have to hide under the furniture to save himself from a beating. His mother watched, always did while Evan's father made him sit on the floor for days, in front of Kendall, without speaking and without eating. Even when Kendall got a job, finally after struggling to finish the medical degree, his father found moments in the day to make them go through hell and more.

Dromero Buckley was careful, however, that no one outside that house asked any questions or called child services. He left no mark on Evan or Kendall - or at least something that people could take as evidence against the abuse going on in that house. Evan didn't hate him, _he couldn't_, at the end of the day he and his mother were all Kendall and he had. There was nowhere to run, no loving arms to help them heal or relatives to save them, they were on their own. Sometimes Evan wondered how Kendall had survived the years before his birth, there were times when Evan felt that he couldn't do it anymore and he had Kendall by his side, he wants to think that Kendall did it by immersing herself in helping others because her motto was if _I can't help myself then I'll help others. _Evanadmired her because she was always next to him when his father beat him until he got tired and passed out, even helping him heal his tortured back. Evan never saw her cry, in all the years they had spent together in that hell, listening to each other's cries of pain, Evan had never seen her cry. 

And that worried him because he knew that someday she would explode into a thousand pieces, just like him and no one could help them._ No one_ would be there to pick up the pieces and put them together again. Because being honest, who would want a couple of tortured and sad siblings in their lives? _Who would want to take care of them and help them heal?_

That is the only thing he is thinking about before his vision becomes blurry and then black. "Kendall..."

KENDALL POV

Provide for Evan. Take care of Evan. Save Evan. 

It's the only thing that keeps her alive if she is being honest. Her job is good, making the decision to study medicine at first felt like an obligation to earn enough money to run with Evan from the hell they were going through, however, now Kendall sees it as a breath of fresh air.

Saving others is therapeutic, distracts her from dark thoughts that hunt her since she was little. Death had always been strange to Kendall, death was pulling her in his loving arms when she couldn't take it anymore. She wanted a job, wanted money, wanted to save her little brother and...she wanted to be close to death in a healthy way. Kendall couldn't commit suicide, couldn't cry, she is unable to feel any emotion, even when she saves a life. She is empty since the day she was born, all she cares about is saving her little brother. 

Her little brother who turns sixteen today, _sixteen years of misery,_ Kendall wants to hit herself. When Evan was born, she promised herself that she would get him out of that abusive hell before her sixteenth birthday, but studying Medicine and then getting a job was more complicated than she had originally thought. Kendall blames herself because if she had decided to study Medicine faster than she had, maybe now she would be celebrating with Evan somewhere outside. However, she can't risk organizing something for Evan because she doesn't know if when she gets home he'll be presentable to pretend emotional stability for a while, hell, Kendall doesn't even _know_ if she'll find him alive when she gets home from work.

The thought alone causes her heart to accelerate at the possibility and the fact that his father is probably beating him at that precise moment causes her stomach to twist. Kendall tries to calm down but she cannot, his turn ends in fifteen minutes but her feet are already running on the asphalt. "Evan, Evan, Evan..."


	2. My name is Buck

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> omg the love that this fic has received it's amazing!!! thank u so much for the comments and the kudos!!! love u guys ;( 
> 
> *Dié Blaue Blume it’s from Germany and it means Flor Azul in Spanish (Blue Flower in English).  
*Buck's name is a Trigger. (Evan)  
*Maddie's name is a Trigger. (Kendall)  
*Buck's birthmark it's actually a scar from the abuse.
> 
> Please forgive any mistake as English it's not my first language. Thank you guys!

KENDALL POV

Three blocks.

Kendall continues to run, her blood is boiling with anguish and panic. What will she do if Evan was...? She doesn't even want to think about that because her breathing starts to shake more and she has to be fine in those moments. Kendall has to keep her shit together to help Evan if he is badly hurt or worse. _Please let my little brother be alive when I get home. _Kendall does not know who she is begging for, there is no divine force that has ever helped them when their lives were hanging by a thread, but damn, she wanted to believe that there was a force somewhere in the world that would keep her little brother alive enough for Kendall to save him.

Two blocks.

Kendall can hear the sirens and can smell the smoke. _Please do not let it be my house. _Kendall's mind is blocking any thoughts other than finding Evan and holding him against her by the time she reaches the block where their house is located. And indeed, their house is the one that smells like smoke, the one surrounded by police and firefighters. Kendall's knees feel weak, the air she had gotten her lungs to breathe seems to become solid with every step she takes in the direction of the burning building. She can see ambulances but they are empty, she can observe the faces of the guilty neighbors for not having done anything before this tragedy occurred - but what could do, ignorant people of the situation in which Evan and Kendall were, to save them? She didn't blame them, hell she couldn't even blame her father. She blamed herself for not saving her little brother, he was her responsibility and she had failed him. Kendall could even feel his father's hateful look burning through her skin even if his father was not physically present. It was as if he was inside her, tearing the tissue from the inside and shouting at her how useless she was. Kendall felt numb by the time a paramedic took her by the arm and - the last thing she remembers is screaming from the bottom of her lungs. 

EVAN POV

Evan is awakened by a white light that causes him to close his eyes again. Where is he and why hasn't Kendall come home yet? _Kendall._ Evan remembers saying her sister's name before he passed out but he doesn't remember hearing her arrive, so why was Evan saying her name and- why did it hurt to even force his brain to remember? 

Something had happened, Evan could feel it in his gut. But what? "Mmm..." He lets out a grunt of pain when he tries to move in the slightest, his eyes are still closed but Evan knows that this is not his bed.

"Hey, you're fine kiddo, you're fine." Someone whispers calmly. Evan feels panicked, that voice is not from Kendall, it is not from his mother and it is not from his father. Evan tries to open his eyes in panic when he hears another male voice that is not his father's, his hands are shaking and he can hear how his pulse has increased considerably. White walls, soft bed and not the hard floor he is used to, machines running, _shit_, he's in the hospital with someone who seems to be a policeman. _Shit, shit, shit._ How is he going to explain this to Kendall? Evan doesn't even know what he has done to be handcuffed to bed but he knows it's _his fault. _

"I'm going to take your handcuffs off, okay?" Evan wants to answer_ no_, that for something they put them on him, that he is dangerous and that no one should be talking to him with such tranquility and consideration. Especially this man with kind eyes and a warm smile that might well resemble his father, except that this strange man is far from being his father and Evan's chest hurts because his father would have left him handcuffed for days, even weeks without caring his physical or mental state, but this man is being as careful with Evan as if he could break at any moment. "Kiddo, I'm afraid that a part of your house suffered a fire and..." 

Evan returns to reality after that. His breathing becomes heavy and small drops of sweat begin to feel on his forehead. "K-Kendall, where-where is she?" Evan feels that his chest hurts, that his body is getting numb and that everything around him is spinning. Evan can't lose the only person who keeps him stable and-and he _can't_ lose his sister because that's all he has. "I-I need her, she has to be here, she can not be on her own, I-I _need_ her." And then, Evan is muttering things to himself - they aren't really that much to himself because the policeman can hear everything very clearly. 

And suddenly everything makes sense to the police, fractures that should not be fractures - except that the boy's bones are very weak, dehydration, fatigue, dry hair, and dry skin, bones that should not be seen and the look - a look so sad and lost, full of panic and fear. 

"Hey Kid, listen to me, your sister is fine, she is in this same hospital because she suffered a nervous breakdown when she saw the house on fire and could not find you, I promise you that she is well and as soon as the hospital discharges you both, the police force will give you all the help you guys need to deal with your situation..." 

Evan freezes at that. The situation? It was something that had no way out or ends, his father had made it clear to him and Kendall many years ago. It was going to be an endless hell, in his father's words, and suddenly this man was in front of him telling him that the police were going to help them and-and everything seemed so fake that Evan doesn't know what to do. "W-What situation?" Evan asks trying to ignore the fact that he actually _knows_ what the cop is referring to. _Child abuse. _Just giving a name to what has been happening to him and his sister for years has caused a horrible effect in Evan, he doesn't want to give that a name, he doesn't want to talk about it, he doesn't want help because something twisted in his mind says he _does not_ deserve it - but, nevertheless, he _deserves_ the beatings and the days without eating and all the tortures to which his father has subjected him to. "We're o-okay, can I see my sister please?" Evan asks with fear, fear of irritating the man in front of him and being hit again. Afraid of not seeing Maddie soon and knowing if it's true what the man in front of him is saying or if it's just another lie to calm Evan after a beating.

"Of course, Kiddo."The man says and Evan is relieved. "My name is Theo, by the way, you're _Evan_, isn't it?"

Evan trembles at the memories that come with his name. "My name is Buck..." And, at that moment, Evan dies. The boy who was abused by his father, who lived in hell and could not ask for help. Buck will be a breath of fresh air, new opportunities for him and Kendall.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Love, A.
> 
> Tumblr: dolcebuckaroo.  
Twitter: dolcebuckaroo.
> 
> feedback and kudos are very welcome! xoxoxo


	3. Tears and soap

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> jezz the love that this fic has received it's unbelievable! thank u thank u thank u.
> 
> *Dié Blaue Blume it’s Germany and it means Flor Azul in Spanish (Blue Flower in English).  
*Buck's name is a Trigger. (Evan)  
*Maddie's name is a Trigger. (Kendall)  
*Buck's birthmark it's actually a scar from the abuse.  
*Mio caro means "My Dear" in English and "Mi querido" in Spanish. 
> 
> Please forgive any mistake as English it's not my first language. Thank you, guys! x

Theo keeps his word and Evan -_Buck_ is grateful for that. 

It's strange how even thinking of his new name makes _Evan_ feel like it happened thousands of years ago, in another life that nobody would ever want to remember, and the feeling that comes with it is strange but it's also comforting and Buck feels that he can breathe - as if it were a newborn giving his first breath of air and, in a way, he is. Even if right now everything feels like baby steps that's all he needs to be honest and that's okay because just as Theo said: _Whatever it takes to make you feel good again. _

"Hey, Ev-_Buck_, sorry, this is your sister's room, I'll give you a few minutes with her because this is not supposed to be allowed until tomorrow morning, okay?" Theo tells him with a kind smile and warm eyes, _again_, and Buck's heart takes a turn for the fifth time that night. It is such a strange feeling, one with which Buck is unfamiliar, something he had never felt before in his life. _Affection, maybe?_ This is how it feels tho? Theo is looking at him, however, with the expectation of having a response from Buck to the proposal he made a few moments ago. But Buck can't speak, Theo's overwhelming presence causes a lump to sit in his throat and Buck - _he's so scared_ that Theo is going to get mad because he doesn't answer him and then hit him except that Theo isn't a bad man like his father, instead Theo only gives him a small encouraging look, a squeeze on his shoulder and goes to sit at the end of the hall.

Buck appreciates the little privacy he has in those moments to release a small sob before entering his sister's room. Kendall lies in bed with her body similar to a broken doll, except it's not broken, at least on the outside, as Buck is and he's thankful for that. Everything is gray with white: the floor, the walls, the furniture and even the sheets in the bed. Buck somehow remembers his old room, now consumed by fire, and how much he hated those colors because they only made him feel more desolate and how Kendall bought washable crayons so Buck could feel little moments of happiness in the day before his father arrived. Buck remembers having to wash the walls every day and how he felt that instead of soap and water, they were tears and soap. Buck smiles at the bittersweet memories that go through his mind.

He would make sure he and Kendall had a future where they didn't have to look over their shoulders, where Kendall could work in a hospital without fear of a stranger opening the doors and where he could sleep with the lights off. "_Mio caro_..." A voice suddenly says a warm nickname in Italian, Buck smiles at the voice and Kendall lets out a sigh of relief. "You're fine, little brother. For a moment I thought I had lost you, I was so worried and suddenly this paramedic was touching my shoulder and you know how I hate physical contact, _Evan_..." Maddie begins to explain, her voice sounds raspy probably for screaming but still Buck trembles at the mention of his old name, he knows that it is not Kendall's intention but now his old name is a _trigger. _

"Kendall, there is something we have to talk about..." Buck begins, his hands lie restlessly in his lap. "There is a policeman, his name is Theo and he has been by my side since I woke up. Everything was so strange Kendall, I can't remember why I ended up here or why there was a fire at our house but when I woke up I was handcuffed to the bed. He removed them but I didn't want to, I knew they were there for a reason and that it was - that it was _my fault_ they were in my wrists, but he trusted _me_ and removed them and then, he began to say that the police force would help us out of -of our _situation,_" Buck stops for a second to try to calm how unstable his voice sounds, "He knew we had suffered..." Buck stops, his entire body shaking and a lump in his throat making his voice come out in a whisper,"...that we had suffered _child abuse_..." Buck whispers and Kendall takes a deep breath, Buck wants to find her gaze but Kendall is not seeing him, she is seeing some point on the bed," but I told him that we were _fine_ and then I asked about you and he told me that you had suffered a nervous breakdown and -_God Kendall_, I just wanted to see you and make sure you were well..."Buck lets out between a sigh and a sob, "And everything was going well until he called me by my name, _Evan_... and my brain began to remember all the horrible things that came with that name..." Buck confesses, his body trying to calm down and Kendall looking him in the eye. "_The abuse_..." Buck says wanting to vomit, "but most of all the _pain_," Buck can't take it anymore, he can't stand the air he breathes and that it feels like fire, "so I just decided not to be Evan anymore, I decided to call myself Buck and build a life for you and me, Ken..." he says and finally Kendall brings his hand to his and gives him a slight squeeze.

  
"No more tears and soap, _Buck_..." Buck smiles and Kendall too, is a painful smile though, and there is still the constant fear that everything may be a dream and Kendall's look is still worried, but both brothers allowed themselves to breathe for the first time. "And you know, I was thinking that you could also get a new name..." Buck begins, a soft smile on his face and Kendall watching him with a bit of calm in her eyes "A good one that matches mine, _maybe_..." Buck tries to say in a funny way. 

"What do you think of Maddie?" Kendall asks, a half-smile on his lips. Buck knows that his sister has chosen the right name when he sees her look full of hope. He can only nod before the door is open, Theo peeks his head gently before speaking, "Buck, it's time for you to get out of here and..." Theo gestures to his sister with the question in his look.

  
"Maddie," Buck replies looking at his sister with pride.

  
"Okay, it's time for you to go out and Maddie to keep resting, remember what I said about visiting time," Theo continues, his voice neutral and his hands holding the door for Buck. 

"Okay Mads, see you later alright?" Buck says with a soft voice to his sister. Maddie nods and before Theo and Buck leave, she pulls his brother for a brief hug and gestures a silent 'thank you' to Theo and the policemen smiles softly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next chapter maybe Monday! thank u for ur patience :) also leave me some kudos and comments keeps me going! The next chapter it's going to be with a little more of their lives before the FireFam! xo
> 
> pd. what do u think about Theo????

**Author's Note:**

> Love, A. 
> 
> Tumblr: dolcebuckaroo.  
Twitter: dolcebuckaroo.
> 
> feedback and kudos are very welcome! xoxoxo


End file.
